A Hello and Goodbye to My Baby Love (A Mother’s Heart After a Miscarriage)

ImageTo my dear baby,

One night in wintry December you were conceived, in the beautiful love that can only take place in a romance that has weathered years of joys and sorrow. A romance that has ripened and matured until the two lovers are truly one and as comfortable with one another as they are in their own skin.

My first Midwestern winter seemed hostile and strange.  My heart has ached for old friends and the life I had before we moved here. When the wintry days got long, too blizzardy and cold to go out I would think about you. I would think about growing round and heavy with child in the sultry days of summer. I would think about the miracle of birth and the sleepy, content feeling of holding my newly born babe to my breast. And I loved you.

We kept our secret as long as we could. My daily afternoon naps and hormonal emotions were giving it away though. I could tell that your two oldest sisters were figuring things out!

Finally we decided to share our exciting news with your brothers and sisters. They were, of course, all excited and, yup, the girls had guessed! Your due date was the day before Isaac’s eleventh birthday and eight days before Moses’s ninth birthday. Since dad’s birthday is also in September they figured for sure they would be getting a brother for their birthday! It was about time, they were thinking, since they already have five sisters!

After a couple weeks we told them they could tell their friends. They all had someone they were waiting to tell. Letters of glad tidings flew off to Grannie and aunties and pen-pals.  Almost every day Olivia wrote in her journal in her newly developed six year old hand writing, ” I can’t wait until our new baby is born!”

Isabelle knit you a hat. They made you a Valentines Day card and they prayed for you every single day. They nicknamed you “Cute-cumber.” ( All except Meredith who would furrow her brow and say, “We are not naming our new baby cucumber!”) She thought a new sister named Sabrina would be perfect!

And so the first trimester was drawing to a close. One day as I was leaving for tea with a friend I noticed some spotting. I was a little worried but knew some light spotting in pregnancy is usually fine so I reassured myself and continued on with my day. Still, later I called the midwife and scheduled an appointment for the next day just to be sure.

She said my uterus was definitely full and pregnant but she wasn’t able to find a heartbeat. I so desperately wanted  to hear your little heart beating! I so wanted you to be in there and be OK! Still she said that she couldn’t say for sure there was no life there without an ultrasound so I was not completely without hope.

With heavy hearts we left, not wanting to say anything to the other kids just yet, hoping it would be alright after all. But alas, during the night I went into labor. I didn’t know it would be like that. My body did not want to let you go but, I knew I must, that I could not fight against the creator of life.

The next day Daddy stayed home. With heavy hearts we ate our breakfast then gathered the kids around us. We told them that we had some sad news. Our baby had died and I had gone into labor during the night. I wasn’t pregnant any more and there would be no new baby in September after all.

Sweet baby, had God willed that you grew and lived there would have been a wonderful place for you in our family. You already had a place! We would have loved you and cherished you as an heritage of  the Lord. We would have showered you with kisses and you would have been snuggled close to someones heart all day.

Just like we did with Meredith and Lucille when they were babies, we would have set the timer so no one hogged you. (Except me, I have hogging rights.) But the rest fair and square, thirty minute turns to lavish you with their love. And you would have blossomed and flourished and been happy here. That was what we wanted but God had something better in mind.

The Proverb says “That hope deferred maketh the heart sick.” We are heart sick. We miss you. Lots of other families in our church community are expecting babies in August and September.I think I will miss you then. Perhaps God will give us a new baby to fill my womb and heart and thoughts but it will not be you. A few short months of existence, a small place in my womb but I will always carry you in my heart.

 Last night we all sat down to sing. We started with ” My Shepherd Will Supply My Needs, Jehovah is His Name”. The second verse says, “When I walk through the shades of death, His presence is my stay. One word of His supporting grace drives all my fears away. His hand in sight of all my foes doth still my table spread, My cup with blessings overflows, His oil anoints my head.” (Isaac Watts)

I love this song! It is so gentle and soothing. At first we were all choosing songs of comfort but then they changed to songs of praise. One by one your siblings took turns coming to sit by Daddy or me and weeping. But they kept on choosing songs so we kept singing.

I told them something I had read before. That our lives are like a tapestry that is being woven by God. When we are here on earth we can only see the back of the tapestry and sometimes we can not make out the design. But we must never doubt that God is good even in sorrow for some day we will see the beautifully completed tapestry. And there you will be, baby, a beautiful and bright part of the tapestry of my life.

I know in heaven, in the Kingdom of Love, you have perfect understanding. You would say, “Of course God is good, Mom!” But last night despite my weary, faltering steps I was able to truly believe that He IS good! BY faith I was able to see that “though weeping may endure for a night joy cometh in the morning.” I know that He WILL “turn our mourning into dancing and exchange my spirit of heaviness for garments of praise.”

And so, my darling baby, I loved you in our hello and I love you even more in our good bye. In the spring we will bury your remains under the lilacs. We will love you and miss you then. Even though you have been the secret happy thought of my heart this long, lonely winter it’s Ok to let you go because truly His presence is my stay. The sun will grow warm again, the lilacs will fill the yard with their fragrance and still God will my table spread. Can you imagine, darling baby, that my cup of blessing overflows and His oil anoints my head? All of my love, dear baby. Good bye for now.

Mom

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17 thoughts on “A Hello and Goodbye to My Baby Love (A Mother’s Heart After a Miscarriage)

  1. oh Sweet Emmy. Hello and goodbye and you wrote this so beautifully and I am so sorry and sad for all of you missing that little person who went before they even came. I know how that feels. God be with you and I am going to pray He fills your womb again. I am sorry that I didn’t know or hear about this until today.

  2. I’m so sorry for your families loss Emmy. I loved your write up though, you have such a gift there. I was so excited to get your first blog post last week. Sorry I’m not good at writing letters and keeping in contact.
    Not much has changed around here. McKenna and I are still riding our horses Jacobi just turned 16 yesterday, I’m still wondering where all those years slipped away too.

    Miss you and we’ll be praying for you all and for spring to come soon.
    Renae

  3. So beautiful, so tender … a mother’s heart in full bloom! May God fill your heart and life with goodness and love; HE has given you a beautiful family who obviously adore you; you’re blest with the richest! I know the sorrow of little ones lost, and yes, even when we feel we’ve began to move beyond that sorrow it comes, back time and again, but slowly as the years slip by their memories are sweet, solid, secure … little lives and souls that never had to enter this sin-filled world, never felt temptation, only safety, rest, peace and love with their Creator! God bless and keep you and your family!
    Love and God’s Peace, Emma
    P.S. I’m glad you’re blogging again; you’ve been gifted with a wonderful talent for writing just like the rest of your family!

  4. I was reading some of my old blog posts and happen to find one you commented on back in 2013, so I clicked over to your blog and found this, newly posted today! I think God sent me on over. So many thoughts you expressed are similar to what I had when we lost Elijah (25 weeks gestation) in 2011. He was born with a beating heart that beat for 88 minutes in my arms. The love for our children starts the moment we know they exsist, doesn’t it? And really, even before (just knowing that God may bless with me more fills my heart with love for our future children!)… I am currently 31 weeks along with our 8th now and have some minor complications… so I am reminded to treasure every moment with my babies (in the womb and out). To God be the glory! I will remember you in prayer! God’s Peace!

  5. My tears for you are my words, my prayers for you are my love. I know we belong to a GOD who is good and that is enough. I love you with a thousand prayers, Jen

  6. Dear Emmy…can you believe your child is getting to know Grandpa and Grandma and will be cared for very tenderly until you get there? I have missed you and your sweetness, it is good to “hear your voice” again. Hugs, aunty Karen

  7. Dear Emmy , my tears flow as I read this today . How can a heart be heavy and joyfull at the same time? Somehow as our babies are in heaven before us The Lord gives us that grace to have joy and sorrow at the same time. My little one would have been 8yrs old around this time as my due date was March 17. My girls’ birthdays are March 3 and March 5 so this month is always filled with much joy but also longing for the baby I will someday meet. Gods peace be upon you and your family at this time dear friend.

  8. Sweet, sweet Emmy, I hear your heart. I cried for all those sweet babies who live with Jesus, who were loved soo, soo much before the rest of the world even knew they would be. I’ll be praying for comfort. Aunty Karen’s comment made me weep! What joy mixed in with sorrow!

  9. Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss. In the last year I have had to say goodbye to two little angels. Both around 12 weeks. So hard as they take a place in your heart and fill you with joy as soon as you know you are carrying them. These two joined another one we lost a few years ago at 15 weeks. So when I say I know what you are going through I do. Love and prayers, Melisa

    • My heart has really gone out to those of you who have had multiple miscarriages! That must be really difficult. As it is, I am hopeful yet fearful of becoming pregnant, because I would hate to go through this all over again! I hope you have the support of an excellent midwife or doctor. Our midwife was so wonderful and caring. Blessing to you and your family.

  10. Your words here are so beautiful, dear sister in Christ. God’s blessings on your family and your heart. I’m so glad you took my advice and got a computer! ;o) … email me if you have time! :o)

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