My Heart is Sad This Morning

I am going with him to the prairie. In the quiet of my heart I am sad. I came here seventeen years ago. Sixteen years old, kind of beat up by life. My sister and her husband said I could stay with them. They had seven kids and their house was small but they made a place for me.

I don’t remember too much about that first winter, only that it rained a lot and I slept a lot. My soul was tired. And my sister and I talked a lot and I washed a lot of dishes. The rain pitter- pattered on the roof at night, the moss grew on the fir trees, I laughed at her babies, I made new friends.

Some where along the way I started to pray during the night. Not just the Lord’s prayer, but really pray. I was afraid because I knew I had sinned- a lot. My sister would tell me that it was good I was worried about it, that meant that God was showing me something. Keep praying, keep reading, he wouldn’t have shown me my hearts condition if he wasn’t going to do something about it.

So I did. One night I felt especially desperate and I read in Luke,”FEAR NOT, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you His kingdom.” God gave me faith to believe that I was part of that flock. I was so comforted! I knew the road might be tough but I knew God was going to be with me. I knew I didn’t need to struggle anymore.

After that the word became so precious.  “Every promise in the Book is mine! Every chapter, every verse, every line!” I read and read and I grew and grew in that little house under the fir trees.

The first time I went back to the east coast my sister told me to make sure I was wearing the full armor of God. She showed me the verses and I wrote them down.

“….be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

Put on the whole armour of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness in this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.

Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breast plate of righteousness,

and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace,

taking the shield of faith, wherewith you may be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God.

Praying always in your spirit…..”

I still have that paper folded up in my wallet. When I was there in my home town the things that were destroying my life were presented to me. “Come on! For old times sake,” they said. “Just one more time!” My voice may have shook but my heart never wavered. I can honestly say that I have never looked back. I shudder when I think of what could have been. “He has brought me out of darkness into his marvelous light” and I love it here.

One of my new friends had blue eyes, big muscles and pretty white teethe. He had moved out here to the Pacific North West from South Dakota. We liked to hike together through the evergreen woods. We talked and talked. He made me laugh. He prayed for me out loud. Sometimes we sang, just us two, sitting on a mossy rock, under the firs and cedars and pines. He has a beautiful voice, I just sing along.

When he asked me to marry him, well, I just had to say yes. Everyone told me that the boys from the mid-west always go back.  I made him promise me he wouldn’t move back for at least ten years-just in case. He gave me his word. The ten years are long past and I am going with him to the prairie.

Oh, my earthy evergreen forests! So old and strong. I have grown into a women, beneath your whispering boughs. When I was young and madly in love I lightly skipped along, breathing in your clean scent. Feeling as though nothing could be wrong in all the world.

In later years as a Mama I have brought my little ones along. They have skipped ahead and left me to the clean, quiet stillness that has spoken peace to my soul. On other days when I have felt frazzled and anxious. I have sat in the sun dappled shade and watched them play and climb. I have leaned against a strong trunk and breathed in the earthy fragrant forest and I go home calm and relaxed.

How can I ever exchange your stately ancient beauty and strength for grass? Grass and wind. How can wind and waving grass ever make me feel anchored? Blue eyes tells me I will learn to love the prairie. But will I? These woods are like a temple where I breath in God.

This morning I sob on his shoulder. He cries too and tells me that he will bring me to the forest sometime. It’s a six to eight hour drive to the nearest forest. Sometime this week I will go for the last time for a walk in the evergreen forest, my boy’s woods. I will try to etch the smell and feeling into my mind and heart so I will never forget.

God will be with me there. And perhaps some day Blue eyes will teach me to love his prairie.  But this morning I am sad.

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18 thoughts on “My Heart is Sad This Morning

  1. Oh Emmy… This just makes me want to cry. Maybe sometime I will learn to love the prairie too . It’s been so hard to leave my WA and try to love the South, but I have my Love here and that’s what matters:) we will just see what God has in store for us now!

  2. Tears flowing. But, my heart tells me that God will walk with you through brightly blooming prairie flowers, and smile when catch your breath at the sweep of sparkling stars in enormous open sky, and speak to you in the wind that ripples the grass in waves across the fields.

  3. Yes, Emmy. I think you will find many things to love on the prairie. I have felt the utter stillness there, and the far horizons, and the whispering wind, and the golden grasses all rainbowed with frost.

  4. Oh my dear gypsy sister, I too cried with you as I thought of leaving your heart in the beauty of trees as you know my world too, is a wall of green because God’s good earth in NH is full of trees, mostly deciduous, but just as noble. But I know that in the grassland there is a beauty all its own that none other can compare and there too your soul will soar high in the never ending sky and waves of grass. Oh the beauty you will see and feel will touch as never before. God is there in those grand and fruitful grassland of mid America. I love you, Jen

    • Thanks, Jen! I never really imagined that moving away would be so sad! For all of us but I’ve been telling the kids that it’s ok to cry and feel sad right now. After a while South Dakota will feel like home and we will be happy.

  5. Sweet sweet Emmy. Can’t say how much I’ll miss you. I already miss our (almost) weekly visits which we won’t be able to fully resume now that Brian’s doing better- you’re leaving!- and miss all the things we’ll miss out on together. All the times that I would have flown to your house for a dose of serenity and calm- gentle normalcy- and wisdom from you… using Izzy and Anni to REALLY babysit, their first dates and driving, getting to tell you in person that we’re baking another baby Wilson, hearing about new BAKER babies, and enjoying countless cups of coffee. I’ve learned so much from you, and will miss every single one of you with all my heart.

    That being said, I do know that South Dakota is as beautiful as the forests here are, in their lonesome windy way, and the flowers bloom on the prairie and the skies go on forever, and God is still God, and Mr. Blue Eyes is still your Mr. You’re going to be okay. In fact, even better than okay. I know He can do it, and I know you want to let Him.

    Love you!

  6. Oh my dear friend. My heart is aching right now for you and the tears are streaming down my face. It was a year on Sunday since I arrived in North Dakota from Washington. Oh what a change life has brought. I miss the trees,the ocean, my family and friends BUT I have my husband and children, a small farm and horse new friends and an awesome church family and My God walking beside me in this adventure we call life. I will be praying for you to find as much happiness and beauty on the prairie as you have in the PNW.

    • Thanks, Heather! We wanted to meet up with you guys on the way home but it didn’t work out. We are hoping sometime we can arrange to meet in the middle for a camp out or something! What do you think?:)

      • yes we want to see you as soon as we can. Where will you be in SD? We are pretty close to the border. I hope you will continue with your blog. I love reading it!

  7. I was a former “prairie princess” dislocated to a city of 6 million people and nothing but desert surrounding when I got married. Amazingly, I learned to love it, despite my fears. I even miss it still quite regularly (especially the sunshine). There is much beauty in the prairies: wind dancing through the fields, beautiful sunrises and sunsets pretty much every day, the vastness of God’s expanses, the starry skies at night, sun glittering on the snow in winter hiding all things (possibly) ugly underneath….We’ll miss you, but know that God has different plans for your beautiful family. (I am trying to be prepared for my husband to announce we’re moving “home” any day…he threatens often enough!)

  8. Oh be still my heart! I felt your sadness at leaving the trees, and the coolness that is the Northwest of this great land. The prairie is beautiful, though, an achingly beautiful place. You know the song that speaks of amber waves of grain? You will see that there, and you will find a beauty you didn’t know existed! And if I am honest, I am a bit jealous that you are going to be near my own sweet sister, Wanda! 🙂 God bless your move and your new home!

  9. “No matter what may be the test, God will take care of you, lean weary one upon His breast, God will take care of you! God will take care of you, through every day o’er all the way, He will take care of you, God will take care of you!” Go boldly into the unknown with the God who masters tornadoes and gives strength to young girls who could have fallen and were able to stand firm by His grace. Goodbye my dear Emmy, remain in truth and all will be well

  10. I’ve been in another type of forest…the GIANT Sequoias of Yosemite and the Redwoods of N. Ca…I came home to find this…and I have tears streaming down my face. I have the memory of your little blue-eyes trompsing around my woods, playing with the goats and ducklings…and you at ease on my couch with tea cup in hand. You are anchored, precious one. Your feet is on The Rock and He will carry you and calm you, show you a different plateau to play upon. And, He will give me His sweetness when it is you and yours that I long to sit with. I bless you, will pray for you and hope to see you again…on your side of the country…it sounds beautiful too 🙂

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